I’ve always lived in my own shell with all my difficulties;
my pillows must be weary of my moans for they are the only one that knows my agony.
I pray to the uppermost God but feels like my prayers are being imprisoned
somewhere. I really want be a cool kid with no uncertainties. Existence just
gets harder and harder as you nurture. I really want to be happy but reality
hits me. You know at times I feel like taking my own being since happiness is
just hard to find, not a day goes by without me praying and trying but nought
happens. People recommend that I go consult I’m just afraid too.
I’ve done did a lot growing up, good things and bad, those
memories are not obliterated they there as evidence that hey! You once did
that. Memories can either make you or break. you choose. I reminisce a lot
about my life my past. The things I did and didn’t do. The should have and the shouldn’t
haves it’s confusing. If you dwell too much on your past you end up missing the
great things happening to you without even noticing it. It’s absurd because we
are not the same we don’t handle situations the same. We do it differently and
that either makes us lame or unique which ever one works for you.
Maybe I cared too much of others feelings and disregarded my
own. I remember there was a point in life where I had to decide, decide whether
it’s me or the other person, you can only guess what my conclusion was.
I don’t know if I’m living the life of regrets or what, I guess
at this point my memories are breaking me each and every single day. The love,
joy, sadness, and comparisons of how I think I should be today and I’m not
getting that. I’m filled with nothing with pity for myself and pure sadness. I miserably
failed myself. I cannot lie and say I’m happy. Others would be judgemental and
say I don’t appreciate life and the blessings. Others would see this pretty bubbly
lady and think she has no worries in the world. Dude I feel like I carry the
most burden in the whole wide world. Maybe I’m exaggerating a bit but hey it is
what it is.
You know like any other being when a new year twitches, we have
expectations and objectives that this year, is my year and I was quite positive
when the year started.
All I can say to conclude is that I’m not giving up I will continue
praying, continue pushing. Life is not a walk in a park you will go through
hell to get to heaven I guess. God will embarrass you and show the world who
you really are before blessing you. When it rains it pores.
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